Ten years after I hung up my monk's robes, a wandering Buddhist monk walked into my retreat last week. In five days, he showed me everything I'd forgotten about my monk self.
As I waited for each participant to arrive for the retreat I was co-facilitating, I sensed something different was about to unfold. This monk was from the same tradition where I'd ordained, and I hadn't been with another monk since I disrobed a decade ago.
As the retreat progressed, I kept seeing myself in him, in what he said, the questions he asked, and how he moved through the world. Each interaction touched something deep:
The suffering of my own beliefs that brought me to becoming a monk - that desperate need to escape myself by becoming someone "better."
The immense privilege I had as a monk - the gift of time, silence, and a community dedicated to awakening.
The compassion of the Abbot of the monastery - how he held my struggles without trying to fix me.
My arrogance and ignorance as a young monk - thinking I understood so much when I knew so little.
The gift of learning from such a wise teacher for so long - lessons I'm still unpacking years later.
The Mirror We Don't Expect
This experience reminded me of something we rarely discuss in leadership development: the people who trigger us are often mirrors of our own unfinished business.
That team member who's overconfident? That's your younger self. The one rushing to prove themselves? You've been there. The person quietly hiding their potential? You remember that fear.
When we see these patterns in others, we have a choice. We can judge them from our current vantage point, or we can remember our own journey - the mistakes we made, the lessons we learned slowly, the grace others extended to us.
The question isn't whether you'll meet your former self in others - you will. The question is: Will you judge them, or will you remember?
What "Receiving Ourselves First" Actually Means
This is what I mean by "receiving ourselves first." It's like noticing the internal weather - the irritation, the impatience, the judgment rising - and pausing to ask: "When was I like this? What did I need then?"
That recognition, that compassion for your own journey, is what transforms you as you progress as a leader.
But let's be honest about what this looks like in practice. It's not always obvious when you're meeting your former self. Here are the warning signs that you might be projecting rather than leading:
Warning Signs You're Meeting Your Former Self
- You feel disproportionately irritated by something minor. The small mistake feels like a character flaw. Your reaction is bigger than the situation warrants.
- You're mentally writing them off faster than usual. You've already decided they won't get it, they can't change, they're not cut out for this.
- You're thinking "they should know better by now." Notice that "should." It's often a sign you're comparing them to where you are now, not where you were then.
- Your reaction feels stronger than the situation warrants. If you're losing sleep over someone's behavior, or rehearsing conversations in your head, there's probably something deeper happening.
The Tension Between Compassion and Accountability
Now here's where it gets tricky, and where most leadership advice falls short.
This doesn't mean lowering standards or avoiding difficult conversations. It means having those conversations from a place of "I've been where you are" rather than "I'm better than you now."
The feedback is the same. The energy behind it is completely different. And people feel that difference.
But how do you actually hold both compassion and accountability? How do you tell the difference between projection and legitimate concern?
When You're Projecting:
- Your emotional response is intense and personal. It feels like their behavior is about you, or reflects on you, or threatens something in you.
- You're focused on who they ARE rather than what they DID. "They're careless" vs. "They missed this deadline."
- You want them to change immediately. There's an urgency that doesn't match the actual business impact.
When You're Legitimately Addressing a Problem:
- You can describe the specific behavior and its impact without getting emotionally charged. "When you interrupted Sarah three times in the meeting, she stopped contributing ideas."
- You're curious about their perspective. You genuinely want to understand what's happening for them.
- You're willing to support their growth. You can imagine a path forward that includes their development, not just their departure.
What Actually Changes in Practice
When you remember your own journey, several things shift in how you lead:
You adjust your timeline for their development. You remember that you didn't figure things out overnight. You give people room to learn at a human pace.
You share your own similar mistakes to build connection. Not in a "let me tell you about me" way, but in a "I know what it's like to struggle with this" way. This creates psychological safety.
You give feedback with empathy while maintaining standards. You can say "This isn't working" and "I believe you can figure this out" in the same conversation.
You create space for them to learn, not just perform. You distinguish between mistakes that come from carelessness and mistakes that come from growing edges. You treat them differently.
A Practice You Can Use Today
Next time someone on your team frustrates you, try this:
Take a breath before responding. This sounds simple, but it's the difference between reacting from your trigger and responding from your leadership.
Ask yourself: "Which version of my younger self am I seeing right now?" Be specific. Is it the version of you who was insecure and overcompensating? The version who didn't know how to ask for help? The version who was brilliant but couldn't communicate it?
Let that recognition soften your response. Not weaken it - soften it. The feedback can still be direct. The accountability can still be clear. But it comes from a different place.
Lead them the way you wish someone had led you. What did that younger version of you need to hear? What would have helped you grow faster? What grace did someone extend to you that changed everything?
The Revelation
The most important person you'll recognize as a leader isn't your competitor, your mentor, or even your team members.
It's you. The earlier versions of you. Still teaching you. Still asking for compassion.
Every time you meet yourself in someone else, you have an opportunity. You can use your hard-won wisdom to judge them, or you can use it to guide them. You can hold your growth over them, or you can extend the same patience that was extended to you.
This is the question that will follow you through every difficult conversation, every frustrating interaction, every moment when you want to write someone off:
"Am I leading the people in front of me, or am I still trying to fix the younger version of myself?"
Because here's what I learned from that wandering monk who walked into my retreat: The compassion you extend to your former self becomes the leadership you offer others.
Your strongest reactions to others probably say more about you than them. And that's not a problem to solve - it's information to use.
This Week's Practice
Here's your challenge: Identify one person on your team who frustrates you.
Write down which version of your younger self you see in them. Be honest. Be specific.
Ask yourself: What did that version of you need to hear? Not what you wish someone had told you - what you actually needed to hear that would have helped you grow.
Now go say it.
Not in a "let me tell you my story" way. In a "I see you, I've been there, and here's what might help" way.
The person who frustrates you most might be your greatest teacher - not about them, but about you. About what you've learned. About how far you've come. About the leader you're becoming.
And maybe, just maybe, about the leader you already were, waiting to be remembered.
For Leadership Teams:
Use these questions for your next team discussion:
- Who on our team triggers you, and what younger version of yourself might you be seeing?
- How might remembering your journey change your next conversation with them?
- What grace was extended to you that you now need to extend to others?
The answers might surprise you. And they might just transform how you lead.
Frequently Asked Questions
Isn't this just making excuses for poor performance?
No. This approach doesn't lower standards - it changes the energy behind how you maintain them. You can still give direct feedback, set clear expectations, and hold people accountable. The difference is whether you do it from a place of "I've been where you are and I know you can grow" versus "You're failing and I'm frustrated." The feedback might sound similar, but one creates defensiveness while the other creates openness to change. People perform better when they feel seen, not judged.
What if I genuinely never struggled with what this person is struggling with?
You may not have struggled with the exact same thing, but you've struggled with something. Maybe you were never disorganized, but you were once arrogant. Maybe you were never conflict-avoidant, but you once lacked self-awareness. The practice isn't about finding an identical experience - it's about remembering what it felt like to be imperfect, learning, and in need of patience. That feeling is universal, even if the specifics differ.
How do I know if I'm being too soft or too hard on someone?
Ask yourself: "Am I creating conditions for growth, or just expressing my frustration?" Too soft looks like avoiding necessary conversations because you're uncomfortable. Too hard looks like expecting immediate change without providing support, context, or time. The sweet spot is clear about the gap between current and expected performance, curious about what's driving the behavior, and committed to supporting their development while maintaining standards.
What if the person reminds me of my younger self in ways that still embarrass me?
That's actually the most powerful opportunity for leadership growth. The parts of our past that still carry shame are often the parts we're harshest about in others. If you're triggered by someone's arrogance because you cringe at your own past arrogance, that's valuable information. It means you haven't fully forgiven yourself yet. The work isn't just about leading them better - it's about finally extending compassion to that younger version of you. When you do, you'll naturally lead them differently.
Should I actually tell people about my own past mistakes?
Sometimes, but be strategic. Share your mistakes when it serves their growth, not your ego. Ask yourself: "Will this story help them feel less alone and more capable, or will it make this conversation about me?" Good sharing sounds like: "I remember when I struggled with delegation too - here's what helped me." Bad sharing sounds like: "Let me tell you about all my mistakes" (and then talking for 20 minutes). Keep it brief, relevant, and focused on what helped you move forward.
What if I'm triggered by someone but I genuinely can't see myself in them?
Look deeper. Sometimes the mirror is inverted - they might represent what you feared becoming, what you rejected in yourself, or what you had to suppress to succeed. For example, if someone's emotional expression triggers you, maybe you had to shut down your emotions to be taken seriously. If their boundary-setting bothers you, maybe you wish you'd been better at that. The trigger is still information about you, even if it's not a direct reflection.
How long should I give someone to change before it's not about my projection anymore?
This isn't about giving unlimited time - it's about giving appropriate time with appropriate support. Ask: "Have I clearly communicated the expectation? Have I provided the resources, training, or coaching they need? Have I given them enough time to practice new behaviors?" If yes to all three and there's still no progress, it's likely a fit or capability issue, not your projection. But if you're expecting change without providing those things, you're probably still in projection territory.
What if my team member's behavior is genuinely harmful to others, not just triggering to me?
Address it immediately. Protecting your team from harmful behavior isn't projection - it's your job. The difference is in how you address it. You can still recognize that the person causing harm might be operating from fear, insecurity, or lack of skills (just like you once did in different ways) while being crystal clear that the behavior must stop. Compassion for their journey doesn't mean tolerance for harm. It means addressing the behavior firmly while still seeing their humanity.
I've tried the "take a breath and ask myself" practice, but in the moment I'm too angry. What then?
Don't have the conversation in that moment. Say "I need to think about this - let's talk tomorrow" or "I want to give this the attention it deserves - let's schedule time this afternoon." This isn't avoidance; it's wisdom. You know yourself well enough to know you're not in a state to lead effectively right now. Use the time to work through your reaction, identify what version of your younger self you're seeing, and then have the conversation from a grounded place. Your team will respect the pause more than they'll respect a reactive outburst.
What if I do all this work and the person still doesn't change?
Then you have clarity. You've done the internal work to separate your projection from the reality. You've provided clear feedback, appropriate support, and reasonable time. If there's still no change, you can make decisions about their role with confidence, knowing you're responding to the actual situation, not your unresolved past. Sometimes the most compassionate thing - for them, for you, and for the team - is to acknowledge the misfit and help them transition to something better suited to their strengths. Compassion doesn't mean keeping everyone forever; it means treating people with dignity through every stage, including endings.
